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Laughter is Medicine
Dress Temptation
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
"How could you do this?"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, ' You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it! ' "
"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation." I say, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, ' It looks fabulous from back here, too! ' "
Long and dry
A minister was preaching a long, dry sermon on a subject that most of the church weren’t interested in.
Some of the audience were sleeping, others yawning, and one who felt he couldn’t endure it any longer quietly slipped out the door. There he met another sufferer who had gone out before him.
"Has he finished yet?" he was asked.
"Yes," said the man who had just escaped. "He finished long ago, but he just won’t stop."
I´d be glad to.
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.
The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add,
PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.?"
Miracle Doctor
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do.
Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.
So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste.
I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.
So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it.
He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little
and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
A Prayer for Dinner Parties
A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said.
The child bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Church Bulletin Blooper
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Shall we gather at the river?
A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd takeit and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously .and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us
sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."
Church Bulletin Bloopers
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choirpractice.
- The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
- The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy,"
The Minister and the Song Leader
There was a Church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along well.
And this began to spill over into the worship service.
One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service.
The song leader then led the song, I shall not be moved.
The next Sunday the Preacher preached on giving, and how we should gladly give to the Lord’s work.
And the song leader led the song, Jesus paid it all.
The next Sunday the Preacher preached on gossiping, and how we should watch our tongues.
The song leader then led the Church in singing; I love to tell the story.
The Preacher began to feel quite disgusted over this situation, as you can well imagine. So the next Sunday, the Preacher got up and announced to the Church that He was considering resigning.
The song leader then led the song, O why not tonight?
And it came to pass, the Preacher finally resigned, and the next Sunday he informed the Church that Jesus had led him there, and Jesus was taking him away.
The song leader then led the congregation in singing, What a Friend we have in Jesus.
An inherited quality
ON THE WAY to our wedding reception, I said tenderly to my brand-new husband,
"It's really special
the way your mom and dad love each other so much after all their years of marriage.
The thing I think is
especially thoughtful is that each morning he brings a cup of steaming-hot coffee to her in
bed..
Is that an inherited quality?"
"You bet it is!" my husband said. "I take after my mother."
A Nervous Young Minister
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text
today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves
of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
A member of the flock snickered at the preacher's snafu, raised his hand and
said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the
text. This time he did it properly, "And they fed five thousand men with five
loaves of bread and two fishes."
Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
"Stay! Stay!"
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and
rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh
air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her
that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at
the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look
and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"
You Asked For It!
The story of the 'Prodigal Son' in the Key of F
Feeling footloose and frisky, a featherbrained fellow forced his fond father
to fork over the farthings, and flew to foreign field; where he frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends.
Fleeced by his fellows in folly, and fairly facing fulsome famine, he finally found himself a foreign feed-flinger
in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famishing,
he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from fodder fragments.
"Fooey, my father´s flunkies fare far finer," the frazzled fugitive forlornly
fumbled, frankly facing facts.
~ Frustrated by failure and filled with fearful foreboding, he fled forthwith to his fond family.
Falling at his father's feet, he forlornly fumbled, "Fine father, I’ve fully flunked and fruitlessly
forfeited further family favor.
Feeling full of forgiveness, the farsighted father, forestalIing further flinching,
frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch a fatling from the flock and fix a feast.
The fugitive's fault-finding brother frowned on fickle forgiveness of former folderol. ~ But the
faithful father figured, "Filial fidelity is fine, but the far fugitive is found! ~ What forbids fervent
festivity? ~ Let flags be unfurled! Let fanfares flare. Let fault-finding flee from felicity!"
And the father’s faithful forgiveness formed the firm foundation for the former fugitive’s future fortitude.
Luke 15:11-32
(An advanced adaptation by Rev Stephen from quotation of Rev Dan Dalke.)
Lazy
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Take a tip
A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine.
He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly,
'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.' "
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since!"
30 years younger
God told a married couple:
"For being such an exemplary married Couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife.
An there it was! two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime.
So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.
God smiled, nodded and said, Son, you wish is granted".
Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
These are actual bloopers from church bulletins...
-. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
-. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs
supplied our pulpit.
-. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
-. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
High-pressure boilers
Operating high-pressure boilers can be stressful
-- like the time my two co-workers and I discovered a potentially dangerous leak in a boiler.
Scorching steam was billowing out, filling up the room and
decreasing visibility.
"I hope this doesn't get any bigger," said one co-worker.
"I don't want this steam to be the last thing I see in this world."
"That wouldn't be so bad," my other co-worker replied.
"So long as it's not the first thing you see in the next."
Christian bear
It’s a beautiful sultry, summer afternoon and this atheist is having a leisurely walk through the woods.
It was an idyllic scene: the brook is babbling nearby, the wind is blowing gently through the trees as
birds, are whistling all around.
Suddenly he hears this horrible sound and as he turns around he
sees this grizzly with its paws up and just about to pounce on him.
In his moment of desperation he frantically cries out,
‘O God help me.’
At that moment everything comes
to a standstill.
The brook stops babbling, the wind stops blowing, the birds stop singing, and the
grizzly freezes in its tracks.
Just then a voice comes out of the skies and asks,
‘Do you now believe in me? Would you like to become a Christian?
The atheist scratches his head, thinks for a minute and then responds,
God, if you’re real, make the bear a Christian.
Just then the brook starts flowing once again, the breeze starts blowing and the birds begin singing a
gain;
and as he looks at the grizzly,
the grizzly had brought down its paws, put them together, bowed
his head and prayed:
“Thank you God, for this meal I’m about to eat.”
Advertising
A tiger met a lion as they sat beside the pool
Said the tiger to the lion : “Why are you roaring like a fool?”
“Ah ha! That’s not foolish,” said the lion, with a twinkle in his eyes.
They call me the king of the beast because I advertise.”
A rabbit heard them talking, and ran home like a streak.
He thought he’d try the lion’s plan – but his roar was just a squeak.
A fox came out to investigate – had his lunch that day in the woods
And so my friend, when you advertise – make sure you have the goods!
Here are some interesting questions:
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. - He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. - David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, a Honda, because the disciples were in one Accord.
The job is yours
A shoe dealer was hiring a clerk. "Suppose," he said, "a lady
customer were to remark while you were trying to fit her, 'Don't you
think one of my feet is bigger than the other?' what would you say?"
" I would say, 'On the contrary, ma'am, one is smaller than the
other.' "
"The job is yours."
Babies can't talk
"Daddy, when will the baby start talking?" Maria asked.
"When he's about three," said Dad. "He's still just a baby and
babies can't talk."
"Sure they can, Dad," insisted Maria. "Job could talk when he was a
baby!"
"Job?"
"Yes," said Maria. "It says in the Bible, 'Job cursed the day he was
born.' "
Would you like to contribute a joke? wisdomliving7@yahoo.ca
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